The Conjuring (2013)

Posted in news with tags , on October 31, 2013 by adam

Happy Halloween, everybody!

I hope you’ve had an awesome October and you’re getting ready for a party or a parade tonight. Or perhaps you’re getting the little ones dressed up to go trick-or-treating, assuming your town actually does that on Halloween rather than the week before. Can you imagine if local governments tried to pull that shit with the Fourth of July, relegating all firework displays to the Thursday before the holiday? There would be chaos in the streets. It’s fine to fuck around with Halloween but ‘Merica would not stand idly by while its patriotism was rescheduled. This is clearly part of the religious right’s crusade against Halloween. I will not stand for your anti-Samhainism, Michele Bachmann.

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Unlucky 2013

Posted in news on October 1, 2013 by adam

rex goonHappy October 1st!

The greatest month known to man has begun and for me this is cause for much celebration. Sadly, for the first time in four years, I won’t be ringing in the Halloween season with a thematically appropriate movie marathon. I just have too many irons on my plate (?) this year to count down (and write up) 31 scary movies. You’d be surprised how long it takes to get those posts down to single digit typos.

I’ll still watch more than my share of weird shit this month but I wouldn’t be able to maintain the intense pace the full 31 requires. My new job is pretty time intensive and I’m embarking on a few new side projects to boot. Then there’s the whole new dad thing. Fatherhood is awesome but it turns out I can’t stand to do anything but hang out with my kid during the two precious hours a day I’m not working or sleeping. Watching straight-to-DVD horror titles doesn’t really rate.

Interestingly and not unrelatedly, I’ve noticed a serious shift in my movie tastes. I recently read the review for Hatchet I wrote five or six years ago. That kid – gleefully extolling the blood soaked carnage and “creative kills” – is basically a stranger to who I am now. It’s not so much that I’ve gone squeamish. As I said last year, having a baby is not for the faint of heart. I just don’t find as much value in ever more convincing ways to eviscerate actors in high definition. I appreciate the artistry and hard work great effects require but extreme violence for its own sake doesn’t really rev me up the way it used to. Luckily slasher flicks and torture porn aren’t the only games in town and I’ll always be keen on the spooky, the monstrous, the utterly inexplicable.

So I’ll still be enjoying this month on my own, scaring the heck outta myself in a darkened room. You’ll just have to imagine the part where I write about it the next day and say fuck too much. Do me a favor and imagine I’m being really clever, okay?

PS – My buddy Rob gave my daughter a copy of Goodnight Goon. It’s the bee’s knees. If you have kids and you’re considering traversing October without this book, well, you know, don’t.

2012 iScream Awards!

Posted in recaps on October 31, 2012 by adam

Hooray, it’s Halloween! The only downside to Halloween is that once it’s here, it’s almost gone. But let’s revel while we may, dress up silly, and eat some motherfuckin’ CANDY y’all! First, you gotta check this out:

That is one saucy Minotaur.

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Mad Monster Party (1967)

Posted in movies with tags , , , on October 31, 2012 by adam

Aw man, it’s the final Flavor of 2012. This year I saved a family classic for the finale, Rankin & Bass’ Mad Monster Party. The actual title is Mad Monster Party?, but I get uncomfortable putting end punctuation in the middle of a sentence.

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Lovely Molly (2011)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 30, 2012 by adam

As I write this it’s Monday evening and the remnants of Hurricane Sandy are battering the five boroughs. It’s certainly a serious storm but the LIBERAL MEDIA has been promoting it like it’s the End of Days. TV weathermen are such hypocrites. They stand there all dignified and serious, describing gale-force winds and urging viewers not to go outside. They act like delivering this kind of information is the worst part of their job, like those World War II messengers who drove around bringing death-o-grams to devastated widows and orphans. They didn’t make this awful weather, they seem to say, but someone has to report it.

Sure, weathermen don’t create storms, but they absolutely wish they could. If weathermen controlled the weather, we’d all be building arks. They want this shit to happen. It makes their jobs exciting and important. Meteorologists see three low pressures systems merging and they don’t think about the impending loss of life. They’re too busy nursing raging boners over finally getting to use their typhoon warning graphics. If anchormen approached the news with the same salivating ecstasy weathermen display when upgrading a cyclone to category four, Brian Williams would be the most notorious serial killer in history.

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Juan of the Dead (Juan de los Muertos) (2011)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 29, 2012 by adam

Juan of the Dead arrived with the first batch of 31FoT-eligible DVDs I got from Netflix this month. It’s been sitting in a drawer for four weeks because the missus and I have been trying to coordinate a movie night with our neighbors, who are incidentally way too fucking cool for us. They do stuff like produce documentaries and paint murals when they get bored. When we get bored we watch Glee. They’re both bilingual in English and Spanish (Of course they are.) so I thought maybe they’d dig a Spanish language movie. Also I was hoping to find out just how hard the global subtitle conspiracy is fucking over unwitting American audiences. Continue reading

2012 Week 4 Recap

Posted in recaps on October 28, 2012 by adam

It’s called Gill Man, you stupid little fuck.

The fourth full week of terror is behind us. Only three more Flavors remain before the big finish. That’s assuming we all survive Frankenstorm. Don’t worry, we haven’t drained the bathtub since we filled it with water a week ago, just to be safe. Here’s a look at the week that was:

Excision – Kids these days and their blood-soaked sex dreams. At least they’re not huffing paint.

Night of the Lepus– Cutest man-eating monsters I ever saw. Not nearly enough world domination, though.

Holy crap, shill for Universal much?

The DeadI just can’t waaaaaait… to eat braaaaaains…. Or, in the alternative, It’s the Circle… the Circle of Deeeeeeath…

I Saw the Devil (Akmareul boatda) – South Korea totally stole the idea for this movie from Kim Jong-un, the greatest movie star ever born.

The Barrens – It’s always the dad who comes unglued in these movies and that is sexist.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale – Why didn’t I put the Finnish title in parentheses like I do with the rest of the foreign movies? Because I HATE FINLAND. Penis penis penis.

Is that mummy goosestepping?

Thirst (Bakjwi) – Vampires and priests. Almost like that movie Priest, except not a worthless pile of utter shit.

That’s it for week numero quatro. Come back tomorrow for one last foreign film, the hilarious and charming Juan of the Dead. After that I have two very solid selections for you, then we bring it home in style with the 2012 31 Flavors of Terror iScream awards.  Which Flavor will take home the top honors? Spoiler: not Paranormal Activity 4.

Thirst (Bakjwi) (2009)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 28, 2012 by adam

It’s like foreign film week around here, eh? I might even add one more before I’m done. INSANITY. Today’s entry is Thirst, the second 2012 Flavor from Korea. It comes from writer-director Park Chan-wook, otherwise known as the only South Korean other than PSY anyone has ever heard of. You have my word as a gentleman I will not make any “Gangnam Style” jokes. Mainly because I wouldn’t have any idea how to go about doing that, aside from saying Gangnam Style over and over.

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Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Posted in movies with tags , , , on October 27, 2012 by adam

Well drat.

Today was supposed to be the fourth and final theatrical viewing for this year’s Flavors but fate and my own stupidity conspired against me. Last week I bought a ticket for Paranormal Craptivity five days in advance, I guess fearing the 5:35 showing would sell out. In a haze of utter exhaustion, I went to the wrong damn theater in the wrong damn borough. I had to buy another ticket, wasting the one I already spent $17.50 on. I called the first theater the next day and asked if I could see a showing of Silent Hill: Revelation the following Friday instead. To my amazement, they said sure. I just had to show the manager my unused ticket and they’d let me in. Awesome, right? Continue reading

The Barrens (2012)

Posted in movies with tags , on October 26, 2012 by adam

My personal level of zealotry on this issue is still evolving, but of this much I am sure: only lazy critics reveal plot spoilers and only people who don’t give a shit about the quality of their entertainment read them. I’m not even talking about big twists and surprises. I would argue it’s out of bounds to give away any details that (A) aren’t immediately obvious and (B) are intended to be dramatic when revealed. It is not the reviewers place to determine which secrets are worth keeping.

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