2012 iScream Awards!

Hooray, it’s Halloween! The only downside to Halloween is that once it’s here, it’s almost gone. But let’s revel while we may, dress up silly, and eat some motherfuckin’ CANDY y’all! First, you gotta check this out:

That is one saucy Minotaur.

Before we get down to business with the awards show, here’s this year’s complete movie list:

  1. The Innkeepers
  2. Demons
  3. Detention
  4. ATM
  5. V/H/S
  6. Frankenweenie
  7. Dead Season
  8. The Boogens
  9. YellowBrickRoad
  10. Kill List
  11. Resurrect Dead: The Mystery of the Toynbee Tiles
  12. The Revenant
  13. Sinister
  14. Lake Mungo
  15. Camel Spiders
  16. The Silent House (La Casa Muda)
  17. Take Shelter
  18. Frankenhooker
  19. Some Guy Who Kills People
  20. Paranormal Activity 4
  21. Munger Road
  22. Excision
  23. Night of the Lepus
  24. The Dead
  25. I Saw the Devil (Akmareul boatda)
  26. The Barrens
  27. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
  28. Thirst (Bakjwi)
  29. Juan of the Dead (Juan de los Muertos)
  30. Lovely Molly
  31. Mad Monster Party

Wow, that is totally impossible to see. Child me couldn’t drawn. Adult me can’t scan.

As always, every one was a movie I’d never seen before. I watched and wrote about them all in the month of October, which is something I’m really proud of. Not all of them were winners (both the movies and the reviews, we all have off days). There were definitely a few gems though, as well as a few surprise stinkers. I sincerely hope you get to watch one of them tonight or at some point in the future. I also hope that you do not give the neighbor kids nutritious snacks for Trick ‘r Treat because they will remember and egg your house and you will deserve it. There is a time and a place for organic granola and this is not it.

And now, without further ado, join me in presenting….

The 31 Flavors of Terror 2012 iScream Awards!

Best TV Show: None! I didn’t watch any! We got rid of cable and anyway I was way too busy to watch a bunch of TV shows. I hear The Walking Dead has been real good though, and American Horror Story is probably nutty and fun like always. Bedlam had nowhere to go but up.

Goriest Flavor: Demons! In reality there weren’t any über-gory movies this year. I never realized how much I relied on the Hatchet movies. The Revenant was up there too but that movie SUCKED.

Scariest Flavor: Sinister! As long as you don’t watch the trailer beforehand. Fucking trailers.

Most Nicable Flavor: Frankenweenie! I was pulling for Mad Monster Party but then I watched it. Sadness.

Funniest Flavor (Intentional): Detention! For all its many flaws, I adored this movie and I will probably watch it again. Some Guy Who Kills People had me going pretty good too.

Funniest Flavor (Unintentional): Night of the Lepus! Oh come the fuck on, what idiot gave the greenlight to killer bunnies? Although Bunnicula is overdue for a major motion picture…

Biggest Letdown: Mad Monster PartyI know I gave it three Scream Cones for quality but I was expecting a new staple in my holiday viewing catalog, on par with It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and all the Simpsons‘ Treehouses of Horror. It’s still good, but I’m still disappointed.

Worst Flavor: Camel Spiders! This wasn’t even close. In my head it seemed like a great idea to include one presupposed catastrophe but its dearth of worth wasn’t even amusing. Sigh.

Best Flavor: Take Shelter! A huge honor, I’m sure. The makers of Take Shelter should know they narrowly beat out YellowBrickRoad, Kill List, Lovely Molly, and Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. There weren’t any four-cone movies this year, but there was no shortage of quality.

I don’t know what to do with this. There are so many possibilities. For one, where exactly would 10-year-old, terrible speller Adam have heard the word tesseract? For another, why did he think it meant a centaur with wings for arms? And WHY IS THAT BIRD UPSIDE DOWN?

That’s it for the 2012 edition of the 31 Flavors of Terror. It’s been a gas doing this the past few years. I really pushed the limits of what I could fit into a day this time, and I definitely noticed a drop-off in my ability to function as a human being toward the end of the month. It’s amazing how the experience of a marathon – even one that only requires remaining seated for five hours a day – comes in such distinct stages. At the beginning, you move quickly and surely. In the middle, you start to falter and wonder how you’ll ever get through. Then, somewhere in the last quarter, you realize you will, in fact, make it. As soon as you’re sure you’ll finish, you start to wish it wouldn’t end so soon. It’s a special experience. It requires endurance, commitment and the kind patience of those around you. I’ve learned so much and enjoyed myself immensely. I’m truly sad tomorrow I won’t be reviewing horror movies after I put my daughter to bed, though I’m sure my wonderful wife, who tirelessly encourages me in all my wacky endeavors, is glad to turn the page on the calendar. With a heavy heart I have to admit I probably won’t be able to bring 31FoT back next year, at least not in its current form. I’ve been considering scaling down the length of each post – like by several orders of magnitude – but we’ll see.

There are many people out there in the internets who, at one time or another, thought they’d do something unique by watching 31 scary movies in October. Some of them have even gone so far as to blog about the experience, like yours truly. There are even people in the world who manage to watch and write about one horror movie for every day of the year. To any who do this, I offer my heartfelt respect and admiration. It is not easy. I like to think that what I’ve assembled this month and over the past few Octobers deserves a place of honor among that heady company. But even if it doesn’t, I had a lot of fun. Happy Halloween, everyone.

Whatever you do, don’t look behind you.

2 Responses to “2012 iScream Awards!”

  1. robertsoup Says:

    Doooooon’t stooooooppp (and don’t pronounce any of that phonetically in your earbrain).

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