Archive for comedy

Juan of the Dead (Juan de los Muertos) (2011)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 29, 2012 by adam

Juan of the Dead arrived with the first batch of 31FoT-eligible DVDs I got from Netflix this month. It’s been sitting in a drawer for four weeks because the missus and I have been trying to coordinate a movie night with our neighbors, who are incidentally way too fucking cool for us. They do stuff like produce documentaries and paint murals when they get bored. When we get bored we watch Glee. They’re both bilingual in English and Spanish (Of course they are.) so I thought maybe they’d dig a Spanish language movie. Also I was hoping to find out just how hard the global subtitle conspiracy is fucking over unwitting American audiences. Continue reading

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Posted in movies with tags , , , on October 27, 2012 by adam

Well drat.

Today was supposed to be the fourth and final theatrical viewing for this year’s Flavors but fate and my own stupidity conspired against me. Last week I bought a ticket for Paranormal Craptivity five days in advance, I guess fearing the 5:35 showing would sell out. In a haze of utter exhaustion, I went to the wrong damn theater in the wrong damn borough. I had to buy another ticket, wasting the one I already spent $17.50 on. I called the first theater the next day and asked if I could see a showing of Silent Hill: Revelation the following Friday instead. To my amazement, they said sure. I just had to show the manager my unused ticket and they’d let me in. Awesome, right? Continue reading

Some Guy Who Kills People (2011)

Posted in movies with tags , on October 19, 2012 by adam

Between the blog and work and getting the munchkin to the Petri dish that is daycare, it appears I’m getting a little forgetful. The other day I went to the library and accidentally checked out a book I’d already read. I didn’t notice until I started reading it on the train to work. To make matters worse, my phone battery was completely dead because I left my only charger at work. (Fucking non-backwards compatible iPhone 5 plug. What the shit.)

Continue reading

Frankenhooker (1990)

Posted in movies with tags , on October 18, 2012 by adam

Seriously guys, you do not know how close you just came to reading a thousand words on Werewolf: The Beast Among Us. Monster movies that go straight to DVD aren’t generally very good, but someone I respect said this one was interesting so I figured I’d give it a shot. I’m still hoping to include a decent werewolf movie this year but holy shit this was not it. I got about 15 minutes in and pulled the plug, which took some willpower because it was already way past my bedtime.

The funny thing is a lot of it looked cool. Thanks to Universal’s deep pockets, the creature effects were solid and the exterior locations were flat out gorgeous. You know what got me? The firearms. The movie is set in the 1800s but the main character carries what is unmistakably a huge, double-action .44 magnum (basically a silver version of Dirty Harry’s gun), which wouldn’t exist for at least another 60 years. Lack of respect for period props is the kiss of death as far as I’m concerned. But lest you think I robbed you of an otherwise enjoyable creature feature because of a picayune detail that matters only to me, I’d like to point out that this is the kind of movie in which an American actor with no trace of a British accent laughingly refers to himself as “a penniless git.” You’re welcome.

Continue reading

The Revenant (2009)

Posted in movies with tags , , , on October 12, 2012 by adam

Even as I write this, I can feel it happening. I can feel myself turning. I’m forgetting things, slipping. Not…long…now…

Continue reading

Detention (2011)

Posted in movies with tags , , , , on October 3, 2012 by adam

Hold the fucking phone, we need to take a moment here. Did you guys hear about this? A bunch of scientists just discovered that a known bacteria has like a billion times more resistance to toxic metals than previously believed. This grants the microbes in question the unique ability to feast on a naturally occurring liquid called gold chloride, which is both worthless and highly toxic. And the little bastards POOP PURE GOLD. How is this not the biggest headline in every newspaper? Won’t this immediately destabilize global commodities markets? Was I premature in knocking down an old lady to steal her groceries? I didn’t think so.

Microbial alchemy, man. Wild. You toss these bad boys in a puddle of toxic slush and suddenly where you expected to see a bunch of disposable, unremarkable junk, you find a nugget of something immensely valuable….not unlike today’s surprisingly decent flavor, Detention!

Hoo boy did I reach for that one. But for reals, gold poop. Gnar.

Continue reading

Ravenous (1999)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 5, 2011 by adam

If the alternative was starvation, I would have absolutely no moral qualms with eating a dead person. I don’t care who it is. Plane crashed on a mountaintop? Sorry friend, I promise to eat your face last…right before make it into a hat to keep my ears warm. Shipwrecked on a remote island? Tom Hanks was an idiot for not at least trying to roast up a little bloated pilot. And if I go first, by all freaking means, eat my ass. Literally, eat it. I hope it’s delicious.

But what if you’re holed up with someone whose mind turns a little too quickly to the menu option of last resort? “I mean, sure, we still have plenty of wild mushrooms but, well, Bill’s looking awfully tired over there. Just sayin’.” I think we can all agree that’s pretty much unacceptable.

Continue reading