Archive for haunted house

Lovely Molly (2011)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 30, 2012 by adam

As I write this it’s Monday evening and the remnants of Hurricane Sandy are battering the five boroughs. It’s certainly a serious storm but the LIBERAL MEDIA has been promoting it like it’s the End of Days. TV weathermen are such hypocrites. They stand there all dignified and serious, describing gale-force winds and urging viewers not to go outside. They act like delivering this kind of information is the worst part of their job, like those World War II messengers who drove around bringing death-o-grams to devastated widows and orphans. They didn’t make this awful weather, they seem to say, but someone has to report it.

Sure, weathermen don’t create storms, but they absolutely wish they could. If weathermen controlled the weather, we’d all be building arks. They want this shit to happen. It makes their jobs exciting and important. Meteorologists see three low pressures systems merging and they don’t think about the impending loss of life. They’re too busy nursing raging boners over finally getting to use their typhoon warning graphics. If anchormen approached the news with the same salivating ecstasy weathermen display when upgrading a cyclone to category four, Brian Williams would be the most notorious serial killer in history.

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Paranormal Activity 4

Posted in movies with tags , , , , on October 20, 2012 by adam

Relax. I’m not going to whine about how over-saturated the found footage market is. I’m not going to complain that to benefit from pretending a movie is cobbled together from non-fiction recordings, you have to explain how those recordings survived and were found. I’m tired of shouting at the rain. People love this crap right now so studios will continue making it until audiences demonstrate they’ve had enough. Say, for example, by not going to see the latest installment in the flagship found footage series… Continue reading

The Silent House (La Casa Muda) (2010)

Posted in movies with tags , , , on October 16, 2012 by adam

My wife is awesome.

I love spooky movies filled with big, nasty scares and blood-chilling shocks, even though I literally tremble with dread every time I know one is coming. Startling us is one of the few ways external stimuli can reliably override our intellectual responses and force us to react in a certain way. Being scared is like being briefly in the power of a terrible magic, made pleasurable only because you know it will soon pass. I do everything I can to maximize the impact of scary movies. I always try to watch them alone, at night, and with the lights off. A drink or two doesn’t hurt. Continue reading

The Innkeepers (2011)

Posted in movies with tags , on October 1, 2012 by adam

The other day I mentioned to my closest friend that I don’t believe in ghosts, but I’m still scared of them. She found the paradox untenable, causing her head to explode, but it’s simple, really. I’m fairly well convinced that if ghosts were out there and capable of interacting with the living, somebody somewhere would have figured out a way to prove it to the world. What form of proof could possibly be irrefutable, you ask? Maybe you demonstrate otherworldly contact in a room full of scientists and professional debunkers. Maybe you do it in front of the General Assembly at the U.N. in a 60-minute live TV special hosted by Penn and Teller. I obviously wouldn’t be the person to figure this out but somebody would because proving the existence of a conscious afterlife would make you the most famous person on the planet, at least until Lindsay Lohan speeds away from the scene of her next coke-fueled vehicular homicide. But so far no one has stepped up, so I assume it’s not a thing. HOWEVA, that rational belief has no bearing whatsoever on the abject terror I feel when I’m alone in a house at night and I hear an unexplained noise downstairs.

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TV: Bedlam 1.5

Posted in TV with tags , on October 30, 2011 by adam


Three scary TV shows are premiering this month: 
Bedlam (Saturdays on BBC America starting 10/1), American Horror Story (Wednesdays on FX starting 10/5) and season two of The Walking Dead (Sundays on AMC starting 10/16). Every week I’ll post recaps shortly after each new episode airs. They’ll be a little different than my movie posts. I’m assuming anyone who’s reading the recap has already seen the episode or isn’t planning to watch. That is to say, *SPOILERS AHEAD.*

The penultimate Bedlam shockingly begins with yet another random, one-off character. Hi, Mark! So nice to meet you! This time they don’t even bother establishing his relationship with the flatmates, they just introduce him as Jed’s friend even though they’ve apparently only just met. I guess that’s cheap but I’m too grateful for the expedience to care. Continue reading

TV: American Horror Story 1.4

Posted in TV with tags , on October 27, 2011 by adam

Three scary TV shows are premiering this month: Bedlam (Saturdays on BBC America starting 10/1), American Horror Story (Wednesdays on FX starting 10/5) and season two of The Walking Dead (Sundays on AMC starting 10/16). Every week I’ll post recaps shortly after each new episode airs. They’ll be a little different than my movie posts. I’m assuming anyone who’s reading the recap has already seen the episode or isn’t planning to watch. That is to say, *SPOILERS AHEAD.*

So, who’s gonna die this week? The caption says 2010 and that can mean only one thing: the gays! It’s Zachary Quinto as Chad and some buff dude who vaguely resembles Eric Northman. Their relationship is on the rocks because musclehead Patrick is banging his “twink trainer” at the gym and Chad is obsessed with selling the house via some convoluted scheme involving the perfect Halloween party and Marie Antoinette. They touch on pretty much every gay stereotype you can imagine before the rubber man shows up and kills them both. Yowch! Continue reading

TV: Bedlam 1.4

Posted in TV with tags , on October 23, 2011 by adam

Three scary TV shows are premiering this month: Bedlam (Saturdays on BBC America starting 10/1), American Horror Story (Wednesdays on FX starting 10/5) and season two of The Walking Dead (Sundays on AMC starting 10/16). Every week I’ll post recaps shortly after each new episode airs. They’ll be a little different than my movie posts. I’m assuming anyone who’s reading the recap has already seen the episode or isn’t planning to watch. That is to say, *SPOILERS AHEAD.*

The fourth installment of Bedlam arrives with the question, “Which new character will we be asked to care about and then never see again after this episode?” The answer: whiny brat Ella! She has an imaginary friend and in horror stories that’s never a good idea. Alice is of course not imaginary, just dead. She gives Ella a doll. That’s nice. Then she turns around and gives us the demon eyes. Not so nice. Her voice is completely unaltered but even so her shrill “Ellaaaaaa, come and play” is pretty creepy. Continue reading