Archive for mad scientist

The Resurrected (1992)

Posted in movies with tags on October 13, 2011 by adam

Ah, immortality: dream of monarchs and madmen alike. If there’s one thing that is universally scary, it’s death. As if to tease us, medical science always seems just a few years away from the breakthrough that will allow mankind to finally transcend death. Knowing my luck, they’ll figure it out right around my 90th birthday, so I’ll get to spend the next thousand years looking like a giant, liver-spotted raisin.

If someone does manage to halt the aging process, we’ll have to eradicate disease and find a way to withstand car crashes and shark attacks and stuff like that. Otherwise life, while certainly extended, would remain precariously subject to the whims of chance.

The idea of downloading my consciousness into a computer is tantalizing but would it really be me? The real me would still die, even if an exact copy lived on in some form. Do I give a fuck if a copy of my brain gets to keep partying in the Matrix after I’m gone? I do not.

But what about resurrection? That sounds promising. Then, even if you fell off a cliff you could still bounce back from the beyond. I believe I would vote for any presidential candidate, regardless of party affiliation, if he or she promised to spend significant tax dollars on engineering functional 1-up mushrooms. To hell with the unemployed, I want to live to see flying cars. Surely there are some well-heeled evangelicals willing to make sizable donations – there’s already some precedent, after all.

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The Human Centipede (2009)

Posted in movies with tags , on October 7, 2011 by adam

I really, really did not want to do this.

I have no problem seeing movie characters ripped in half and strung up by their own intestines. That’s all good, clean fun. But even I get squeamish when torture turns to the more vulnerable areas of the body. Needles to the eyes, attacks on the teeth, fingernails – really anything you can grab onto with a pair of pliers. And anytime a villain goes anywhere near the genitals…oh dear lord please make the bad man stop.

But there’s only one scary movie coming out in theaters this week and it happens to be The Human Centipede 2 (Full Throttle Sequence). I promised to do a theatrical every week and I won’t watch a sequel without seeing the original. Thus, with my testicles safely retreated into my body cavity, never to return, I sat through The Human Centipede (First Sequence). It was, as advertised, fucking awful. In truth it’s a more or less competent torture flick, effectively accomplishing its gag-inducing objectives. But, my goodness, that was not a pleasant 90 minutes. You’ll have to excuse any typos in this post because about halfway through I clawed out my own eyeballs, which in turn made me even more nauseous. For you, dear reader, all for you.

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Splice (2009)

Posted in movies with tags on October 31, 2010 by adam

Holy shitballs, it’s my last Flavor! Happy fuckin’ Halloween! While this is indeed the last movie in the 2010 edition of 31 Flavors of Terror, be sure to stop by later today for the big finish, where I’ll run through the highlights (and lowlights) of the month. And stick around for the series premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC tonight at 10. I’ll be right here watching, even though it means I’ll have to DVR my beloved Steelers as they take on the defending Superbowl champs. Don’t tell me what happens!

I wanted to do something special for my last movie so I saved one that seemed like it would be particularly good: the gene-bending monster flick, Splice. It sports a top-notch cast and the trailers made it look smart and creepy, which I’m happy to report it is. Also topical: remember that section in one of George W. Bush’s State of the Union addresses about the dangers of cloning? At one point he made a chuckle-inducing reference to nefarious plots to create human-animal hybrids. I have to believe if he knew they’d come out looking like French supermodels, he might not have been so worried.

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Sharktopus (2010)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 8, 2010 by adam

Syfy original movies are always an unintentionally hilarious treat and the aptly titled Sharktopus is no exception. With a name like that you just know you’re in for something special. What is a sharktopus, you ask? Why, it’s a genetically engineered half shark, half octopus, of course. And what does a thirty foot, eight-tentacled, dorsal-finned sea monster like to do most? If you guessed eat bikini babes and make me laugh and yawn at the same time, you are a winner.

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