Night of the Lepus (1972)

Today was supposed to be Retreat, which my legions of devoted fans will recall I tried to catch in theaters last year, only to discover it wasn’t getting a New York premiere. This year I fared no better. The disc I got from Netflix was so damaged my player had to skip most of two chapters right in the middle of the movie. What I saw seemed like a fascinating thought experiment and I was much enamored of the performances of the principal cast, especially Jamie Bell. But I came away with the sense that something was keeping me from getting as invested in the story as I might have been. Since it’s possible that something was in one of the missing scenes, I decided I couldn’t include it on my list. So instead of a serious drama set against a possible global pandemic, you’re getting Night of the Lepus, which totally sucks ass. But does it have tons of giant, mutant bunny rabbits ripping people to shreds? Fuck yeah it does.

Detention (2011)

Hold the fucking phone, we need to take a moment here. Did you guys hear about this? A bunch of scientists just discovered that a known bacteria has like a billion times more resistance to toxic metals than previously believed. This grants the microbes in question the unique ability to feast on a naturally occurring liquid called gold chloride, which is both worthless and highly toxic. And the little bastards POOP PURE GOLD. How is this not the biggest headline in every newspaper? Won’t this immediately destabilize global commodities markets? Was I premature in knocking down an old lady to steal her groceries? I didn’t think so.

Microbial alchemy, man. Wild. You toss these bad boys in a puddle of toxic slush and suddenly where you expected to see a bunch of disposable, unremarkable junk, you find a nugget of something immensely valuable….not unlike today’s surprisingly decent flavor, Detention!

Hoo boy did I reach for that one. But for reals, gold poop. Gnar.

Lifeforce (1985)

I’ve already done a lot of vampires this year but I’ve never seen the cult classic Lifeforce so once more into the breach, dear fiends. Most of the vamps I’ve encountered this October have been non-standard, be they four-legged bloodhounds (heh) or mindless zombie vampires. In keeping with that theme, Lifeforce brings us yet another dramatic departure from the traditional, pale-faced sexy person from beyond the grave. These vampires are instead pale-faced, sexy people from SPACE. Also, no fangs and no problems with garlic. And did I mention they’re naked space vampires?

Priest (2011)

Forgive me father, for I have brought unto this blog a truly dreadful movie.

The premise of Priest – very, very loosely based on the Korean action-horror comics of the same name – is solid enough: a dystopian alternate reality in which vampires have coexisted in open enmity with mankind since the beginning of recorded history. Throw in a little Paul Bettany (who I generally enjoy), a ton of kung fu, and some big-budget special effects and you should have a sure-fire blockbuster, right? WRONGZO.

This movie is so horrible I actually shook my head and rubbed my eyes like a Looney Tunes character when I found out it boasts a Metacritic rating of 41 out of 100. 41! That’s nine points higher than director Scott Charles Stewart’s last effort, the similar but much more tolerable Legion, and approximately 41 points higher than it deserves.

Alien Raiders (2008)

I’m accustomed to rummaging through countless Netflix recommendations to find a scary movie I haven’t seen that manages to get more than three stars. It’s harder than you’d think since i’ve seen most of the better known ones and the genre as a whole is supersaturated with half-assed exploitation garbage. So when Alien Raiders popped up with a whopping four and a half stars on the “Our best guess for Adam” rating, I was intrigued. My expectations were still low though, given the ludicrous title that could only be cheesier if it was coupled with something equally ridiculous like Alien Raiders vs. Zombie Anaconda. Actually, I’d probably watch that too.

But lo and behold that fancy Netflix algorithm apparently has me pegged because I thoroughly enjoyed all 80 minutes of alien horror action. Not only was Alien Raiders far smarter than its title would imply, it was also much more professionally produced and artistically competent than a straight-to-video release has any business being.

Night of the Creeps (1986)

VH1 has covered this ground ad nauseum but it bears repeating: I love the 80s! The poofy hair, the shoulder pads, the pastel and neon color scheme…what a generation. So tightroll those jeans, throw on your best slap bracelet, and let’s get tubular.

Now it was only a matter of time before I got around to the first zombie movie in this year’s edition of the 31 Flavors. I’ve seen most of the big ones but I was only seven when Night of the Creeps came out. Since it spent a few decades moldering in obscurity it slipped my radar until it finally got itself a DVD release last year. Creeps is certainly not your typical zombie infestation, what with the aliens and mind-controlling slugs and what have you. Even though in terms of cinematic quality it ranks several degrees below Killer Klowns from Outer Space it’s definitely worth a watch, especially considering the huge influence it obviously had on Shane Black’s excellent Slither.