Archive for torture

Frontiers (2007)

Posted in movies with tags , , on October 27, 2011 by adam

What exactly is the problem with polygamy? Obviously coercing young girls into being the seventh wife of a syphilitic octogenarian cult leader is a bad thing and anybody who does that should have Africanized bees injected into their scrotums. Coercing people into doing anything is bad. But three or more adults, voluntarily entering into a committed, multi-partner relationship? That’s like a Venn diagram of love and math is never wrong.

I always enjoyed that aspect of Big Love, the justification for having more than two parents in a family. Not the one involving Joseph Smith’s magic glasses and God telling Mormons that a man rules his family and should own a harem of baby machines to praise his name. That is fucking insane. Continue reading

The Human Centipede (2009)

Posted in movies with tags , on October 7, 2011 by adam

I really, really did not want to do this.

I have no problem seeing movie characters ripped in half and strung up by their own intestines. That’s all good, clean fun. But even I get squeamish when torture turns to the more vulnerable areas of the body. Needles to the eyes, attacks on the teeth, fingernails – really anything you can grab onto with a pair of pliers. And anytime a villain goes anywhere near the genitals…oh dear lord please make the bad man stop.

But there’s only one scary movie coming out in theaters this week and it happens to be The Human Centipede 2 (Full Throttle Sequence). I promised to do a theatrical every week and I won’t watch a sequel without seeing the original. Thus, with my testicles safely retreated into my body cavity, never to return, I sat through The Human Centipede (First Sequence). It was, as advertised, fucking awful. In truth it’s a more or less competent torture flick, effectively accomplishing its gag-inducing objectives. But, my goodness, that was not a pleasant 90 minutes. You’ll have to excuse any typos in this post because about halfway through I clawed out my own eyeballs, which in turn made me even more nauseous. For you, dear reader, all for you.

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Saw 3D (2010)

Posted in movies with tags , on October 29, 2010 by adam

Even if, as the advertising campaign proclaims, Saw 3D is to be the last hurrah of the wildly repetitive torture porn franchise, how long until some idiot pitches a reboot? There is literally no ground left to cover story-wise, and it’s hard to imagine special effects advancing enough to motivate a remake since what was on screen tonight was already more than sufficient to have me choking on my popcorn. But if there’s a dollar to be made, I’m sure someone will find a reason.

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